


Images

by woodrosegirl



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2018-11-08 15:56:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11084958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woodrosegirl/pseuds/woodrosegirl
Summary: A series of one shots, focusing on the relationship between Addison and Derek. Set between Series 2 & 3.





	1. Chapter 1

I remember how, when I first met Addison how I found it so impossible to stop staring at her. To be fair, even during our 11 year marriage there were times when I still found myself staring. I used to do it most often when I thought she couldn't see me, for instance in the mornings. I loved to watch her get ready for work. She would go from my private Addison, the one with tousled hair and no make up to the one that everyone else saw.

Both were beautiful of course, but I cherished the thought that only I got to see how she truly is. She would sit at the mirror, frowning slightly if she thought she saw a wrinkle or crows feet appearing, and tame her wild hair into a neat stylish up do for work. Next came the make-up, and even though I watched her do her particular routine a million times I wouldn't be able to tell anyone what she used or what it did. Then clothes, my least favourite part, all sharp designer suits, skirts and heels, even though they all went when she stepped into the OR. Salmon's never been my favourite colour but her scrubs work so well on her, still making her look shapely.

Before I found out about Mark I felt so privileged that only I got to witness her at her most beautiful, that came after we had made love, when she would lie next to me naked, flushed post orgasm, with hair unkempt and wild with sparkly happy eyes that only I got to see.

My private Addison.

Mark had betrayed me, and took from me the most intimate scenes with her in them. Instead of looking at me with sparkly post orgasm eyes she would of been looking at Mark. That hurt.

When she came back I found myself staring, but not in the way that I used to. Of course she was still as beautiful, however contempt and anger were clear in my eyes. Until today, when I felt that soften a little with her words, "Even though I'm an adulterous bitch and Satan. I still might be the love of your life"

I couldn't sign those divorce papers. Not without being able to see if I would be able to lie naked in bed with her again and feel the same way.

When I enter surgery the next day all of this is pushed to the back of my mind as soon as the scape l is placed in my hand. I can feel Meredith's glances at me, but it isn't until I look up that I know what I have planned to do is right. One glance up at her in the viewing room and I forget where I am for a second. She's back in the sharp suits and perfect hair, which make her seem so striking next to the dull painted walls. She's professional Addison again, so different to the private images I have of her in my mind. Its then and there that I know that I have to try to save us.


	2. Ferry Boats

The trailer is different this evening. Its not that it's more jam packed with belongings then ever before, it's not that there is someone else in his bathroom when he wants to use it and it's not that there are shoes everywhere that don't belong to him.

It's different because she's here.

Here in Seattle, in the hospital, in his trailer. In his new life.

He can't blame anyone but himself now, he made the choice. But after all the counselling, all the glares from Meredith and eyebrows raised at work it's just him and Addison.

He made his choice and he chose her because he wants to believe that they can make it.

After they leave the hospital her hand on his feels familiar, and they make their first journey to his trailer together. She tries to look relaxed on the ferry but she's tense, agitated, making small talk with him about her day, trying to take her mind off the fact that soon it's just going to be the two of them in a small space, that's surrounded by acres of empty forests.

He wants nothing more then to reach up and smooth away the piece of hair that she keeps fiddling with but he can't make his hand move through the emotional distance between them to do it. Even the physical distance between them feels as vast as the forest, and just as full as obstacles.

He made his choice, and so did she by choosing to stay with him in Seattle.

When he shows her the trailer he can tell that she's trying not to laugh because it's just so far removed from anything that she's ever imagined him doing. However this is the new Derek, the one that moved on without her, but still remains the love of her life, and the man she wants back.

He hangs back as she views the trailer, taking in every inch of his new life. The one that involves fishing, flannel, Meredith Grey and the stark absence of any trace of her.

It's not that she expected to find their marriage photos to be displayed over the trailer, but nothing in here has her mark on it.

Even such small details like the coffee he drinks to the shower gel have changed.

He won't drink that brand of coffee any more because it's her favourite, and he won't shower with that particular scent any more because it reminds him of how they used to share showers and that's all he could smell on himself when they had finished.

When she enters the bedroom she has to remind herself to breathe as the images of him and Meredith overwhelm her.

Meredith and Derek in bed, making love and laughing.

Waking, sleeping, cuddling.

Doing all the things that she used to do with her husband.

Her husband. Her Derek.

She suddenly understands why he physically had to walk away from her that night, how he couldn't look her in the eye to touch her when she had tried to hug him after he let her back into the house.

He sees her standing motionless against the wall and asks her if she's okay. He knows exactly what images are running through her head because he had similar ones of her and Mark flashing in his head for several weeks after he found them.

They both know it's not going to be easy for her to slot herself back into his life.

He excuses himself to go for a walk, to give her some space to adjust herself amongst his new life, to start making her own mark on the trailer. To unpack the coffee she likes, the shower gel she uses.

When he returns he finds her sitting outside, drinking his secret stash of scotch that she found. For once it's not raining, and while he wouldn't say that she looked exactly at one with nature she definitely looks more relaxed then she did when he left her.

She pours him a drink and when he cracks a joke about taking her fishing in the morning she smiles at him, and he can see shades of his private Addison returning.

He knows that they have many more nights in front of them that are going to be difficult, but for now they have comfortable silence and scotch, and that's not a bad start.

However it all falls apart the next day when he ignore her on the ferry. She isn't surprised, just disappointed after the ground they covered last night.

He's always loved ferryboats, and she's always loved viewfinders.

People always used to say that's why they made a perfect couple.

They went together, just like ferryboats and viewfinders.

After searching for a while she has yet to find a viewfinder on this ferry boat. She would give anything for one right now. Something else to look at besides the cold look in Derek's eyes when he saw her standing by the railings. She waved at him, hoping that he would at least be civil and make pointless small talk with her.

All the good work that they had done last night in the trailer has seemed to be become undone. The "Addison" switch in Derek's head has now been turned off and she feels that she's woken up next to distant Derek from New York, not "new, trying to make the marriage work" Derek

When she pulls up in the car park she's almost relieved to see Meredith looking flustered and very un put together

Pretty much the way she's feeling on the inside.

She hates that she feels better by seeing someone else in that state, but right now she would think or feel anything if it meant that Derek would talk to her.

The arrival of Savvy and Weiss puts it all in perspective. The last time they were all together there was no cancer, no adultery, no planned surgeries. If anyone passing had looking at them when they were clinking their glasses at dinner they would of just seen the image of four friends just having a catch up.

Seconds after that the image is shattered with Weiss's words, and they're back to being four friends who appear to have everything together but who are each individually falling apart.

Derek finds Weiss alone in the foyer of the hospital, trying to numb the pain of Savvy's surgery by drinking and running away to where his wife isn't.

When he speaks about how its about the ring, and the marriage proposal to Weiss his voice cracks as he remembers his own marriage and its vows. The image of Addison walking up the aisle overwhelms him and he feels a sudden surge of emotion for Savvy, Weiss, himself and Addison. As much as can't forgive the adultery just yet,he knows that if anything happened to her like it is to Savvy he would be there supporting her the whole way through.

Realisation then hits.

Even though she was the one who committed the adultery, she still needs his support, in trying to fix the marriage and in moving on with their new life. He knows that he hasn't exactly been supportive of her since she made the move to Seattle.

Ignoring her on the ferry was not a supportive move. Nor is spending time with Meredith in the elevator.

"Its about the ring"

He hasn't worn his since that night. He remembers how when he was driving to Seattle he threw it out of the window. He is more than aware that Addison still wears hers after her display with it earlier.

She hasn't mentioned anything about the lack of his ring, and he hasn't told her that he's pleased

she's still wearing hers.

Neither of them return to the trailer that evening.

Derek stays with Weiss while Addison stays at the hospital with Savvy. Each of them supporting the other's spouse.

Weiss comes through for Savvy, and Derek knows that he has to come through for Addison. He can't go the whole way all at once, but feels capable of showing small signs to let her know that he's here for her, and he's trying too.

On the ferryboat home she's quiet, thinking through her actions on her friends surgery. He knows that she wants nothing more then to break her barriers and let all the emotion of the day out. She won't though, not in public.

She's deep in thought when he takes her hand and leads her off to a quiet place on the lower deck, away from the throes of tourists and the crowd. She surprised by the contact but doesn't protest, even when they walk to a very quiet place with no other passengers. What he shows her threatens the tears she's trying not to shed to fall so she quickly dips her head to look through the viewfinder. He doesn't talk to her throughout the rest of the ferry ride because he knows she's taking in the view from the viewfinder, but he doesn't take his hand away from hers.


	3. Waiting Game

She sits and waits.

Just waits.

She waits on the bench for over an hour. Their plans had only been in place for a couple of hours and already he's not keeping to them.

It's New York repeating itself.

Only it's not New York, its Seattle but the excuses are still the same.

"It's work, I have a patient"

Just like in New York he doesn't even call to let her know that he won't be coming.

He just let's her wait.

Over the last few months she's gotten very good at waiting. She always seems to be waiting for him. Waiting for him to come home for dinner, the food going cold on the plates, or waiting for him to come to bed, her having to hug pillows in the empty space where he should be to get to sleep.

She should take some solace in the fact that he did speak to her on the ferry this morning, but considering she had to bring up the subject of their sex life and practically offer herself up to him to get him to pay attention to her doesn't bode well.

She offered him sex, and he still hasn't shown.

She sits on the bench for what seems like ages before she calls him. He doesn't answer and she wonders why she thought he would.

Because she thought it would be different this time around.

She leaves him a message in the hope that he has just gotten waylaid and he's not staying at work because he doesn't want to be with her, or even worse he's stayed there because he would rather be with Meredith.

After an hour she gives up and returns to the trailer. She debates going to the hospital but decides that she doesn't want to seem that desperate, plus she tired of hearing "Not now Addison".

At the trailer she debates whether or not to cook him anything. She settles on not, thinking that she doesn't want to put herself through the rigmarole of getting her hopes up that he would come back for it. Instead she opens a bottle of wine, and does the only thing she can do.

She waits for him.

When he finally returns to the trailer he's greeted with an image that he thought had been left behind in New York.

The sight of Addison waiting for him.

She looks lost and vulnerable and in that moment he hates himself for staying at the hospital with Meredith because he's let his wife down again.

Her voice cracks with emotion as he goes to sit down beside her and he does the only thing he can think of doing to make her feel loved and needed by him. He rips the stitches and gives her what she physically needs from him.

Their kiss is soft and deep, and for the first time since she arrived in Seattle he feels physical need for her.

They take it slow, rediscovering each others bodies because she's not Meredith and he's not Mark.

They are Addison and Derek.

Afterwards she lies next to him flushed and looking at him with those sparkly post orgasm eyes and he realises that he's got his favourite image of Addison back in reality.

His private Addison.


	4. Chapter 4

Its always been their season, Christmas. They've loved it together for over a decade, from their first Christmas together as a couple when they nervously exchanged presents and stole kisses from each other under the mistletoe.

He remembers that they moved into the brownstone right before Christmas, and even though there were still boxes everywhere that needed to be unpacked Addison still insisted that they went out and bought a tree. Not just any tree either, it took her well over an hour to decide on the right one and it took the two of them about two hours to get it inside the house and decorated. They had to order in pizza that night as she had managed to find the box of Christmas decorations perfectly well but not the box of kitchenwares.

Then there was their first Christmas together as a married couple, Addison loved the fact that she could officially sign their cards "Mr and Mrs Shepherd" and sent out many more then were actually needed. There was also the outfit she used to wear for him, a short red Mrs. Santa number which she would tease him with, saying that she would only let him see it if he had been good all year.

It really was their season.

Even if either of them had lost patients on the run up to Christmas it didn't put them off the festivities. He remembers how he had lost a patient on Christmas Eve, and how it made all the time he spent with Addison all the more poignant. Plus, Addison just loved Christmas babies. He always used to love it when she would tell him the stories of her day which would always end with a woman giving birth around Christmas. He always suspected that if they had children she would plan for a Christmas baby.

The Christmas before Mark however was not a joyful one. His Christmas spirit had gone that year and it was the first time he didn't come home to help her decorate the tree. He had sent Mark in his place to do it with her. That year she didn't put her outfit on for him and he didn't ask her to. She had laughed it off by calling him a grinch but he knew that she was secretly upset by his behaviour. He was crushing their usual Christmas spirit.

This year her spirit's back, but his still isn't. She tries her hardest, trying to talk him about presents but he doesn't pay attention to her, focusing his energy on his patients instead. He barely even cracks a smile when she shows him the small tree she's somehow managed to fit into the trailer.

She doesn't quit though, trying to peak his interest by means of Scottish catalogues and French food but it doesn't work. He hates himself for his behaviour, but just like in New York he can't explain it.

When he enters Joe's he doesn't expect her to be there and he doesn't expect the words about Meredith to come tumbling out of his mouth. When they do he sees the hurt and disappointment register in her eyes and he knows that she won't enjoy any part of Christmas this year. She still stays with him in the bar though, in silence, the catalogues that she was so excited about showing him forgotten about. He hasn't meant to hurt her, but he has.

This year it isn't their season, and all they can hope is that it will be again next year.


	5. Chapter 5

Two became three with the introduction of Doc. Meredith Greys dog. Her husband's ex girlfriends dog. She agrees to have him anyway though, thinking that it may bring her and Derek closer. They had always wanted a dog, but could never have one because of their work schedules.

Derek never stopped wanting one though, and now he has one but it's not with his wife in New York it's with his ex girlfriend in Seattle. It's not Derek and Addison's, it's Derek and Meredith's.

She told Derek she was lonely in the hope that he would act differently towards her and care. She hopes that's the reason they are having Doc and not so that her husband can spend more time with Meredith.

That's what she hopes, however after Derek's revelation at Christmas she's not so sure. As she walks Doc into the trailer she is acutely aware that he is still outside with Meredith.

Just the two of them.

She closes the blinds and blocks the image of her mind telling herself that it will pass. As she does so, new images enter her head of the hope that Doc represents. She pictures herself and Derek walking him, laughing and throwing sticks for him to fetch.

As she thinks of this she remembers that back in New York, they had to look after one of their friends dogs for a week. She feels guilty as she remembers that the poor dog nearly starved after a day as they both got stuck at work.

She remembers that their plants always wilted too. They would wilt after mere days of having them in the brownstone. Mark used to laugh at them and wonder how on earth they could keep people alive but not plants.

"All they need is water" he would say "not surgery or a cocktail of meds"

He once bought them a plant, as a 'welcome home' gift for them when they moved in the brownstone. It thrived beautifully for a while, as it was the only one that she bothered to water regularly. However it began to wilt as Derek grew ever more distant and it finally died when she moved out to be with Mark.

When Derek finally returns to the trailer he looks solemn and Addison wonders whether it's because he would rather be spending the night with Meredith.

Aside from that, Doc's first night passes peacefully even though Addison was woken up with a wet nose in her face in the morning. When she's finally roused enough to realise that it's just Doc and nothing awful she feels brave enough to ask him if he wants to take Doc for a walk with her.

To her surprise he agrees.

As they leave the trailer as a threesome she realises for the first time since the Christmas revelations that Derek is actually smiling at her and looking at her with a different emotion in his eyes that she hasn't seen for a while.

She manages to find a stick to throw for Doc but he doesn't quite understand the game and just runs around it in a circle. This makes them both laugh and she feels comfortable enough to take his hand as they walk through the trees.

It may be Meredith's dog, but it's her husband.

As she throws the stick to Doc to let him try again, Derek pulls on her hand slightly causing her to stop mid track and to her surprise he puts his arms around her and envelops her.

"We should do this more often" he says, before leaning in for a kiss.

It may be Seattle, not New York, and a trailer instead of the brownstone but the image she had of the two of them with a dog works just as well, and as she kisses him back she 's happy with the image around her.


	6. Chapter 6

She can't remember the last time she'd been so scared for Derek's life. Just saying the words to Bailey, "Your husband is with my husband..." struck a chord of fear in her that she'd never experienced before.

When she first saw the words "code black" on her pager her first thoughts were for Derek, Bailey and everyone else involved.

Her mind feels hazed as she stands in the lift with George and Izzie and she doesn't know what else to say apart from "it's bad."

Then she finds out the news that she's been dreading. Derek isn't safe. He's not where he should be, he's down in the OR near the bomb. It takes all her strength to not turn around to Izzie and shake her, to tell her that it's not true, that Izzie is lying and Derek isn't down there.

As she speaks to Bailey she is so overwhelmed by images of Derek near a bomb she starts to physically shake.

Bailey, she has to focus on Bailey, not Derek because if she focuses on Derek then she'll fall apart.

Addison doesn't do falling apart, but she can feel herself starting to frey as she shouts at George, emotion getting the better of her as she realises that she really doesn't know what to do.

Thankfully Bailey sees sense and Addison delivers her baby safely, but even after the joy and elation of delivering her baby is marred by herself and Baileys fear for their husbands.

The fear for Derek grows as no news comes.

It seems an eternity before she hears that he's on his way upstairs. As she runs towards him she sees a slight look of disappointment flash over his face but as she feels his arms around her all she feels is relief that he's okay. She doesn't hear Adele's words but she feels safe with his arms around her and he keeps them around her for longer than he usually would do.

It isn't until they are back at the trailer until she tells him, how scared she was for him. She's still so relived that he's okay that she doesn't even question him when he tells her he's going to see how Meredith is.

She understands. They've all been through a lot today.

When he returns to the trailer he finds her outside with his scotch and a face full of emotion. She asks about Meredith and he shrugs and says she's fine. She pours him a scotch and he drains it before moving to sit beside her. As she rests her head on his shoulder he absent-mindedly strokes her hair and she feels content and happy for the contact.

"I'm so glad you were safe today" he says. She agrees with him and decides not to tell him how very unsafe she felt upstairs waiting for news on him .

They make love that night and its slower and the most tender it's been since they were back together. They've both been moved by the loss of lives that could of happened today and the raw emotion of it all. Which is why when they've finished he puts his arms around her and pulls her close to him, so that they both finally feel safe.


	7. Chapter 7

**Poison Oak and Guilty Minds**

He really, really tries not to laugh, but just seeing Addison in the stirrups with poison oak is an image he never thought he would see. He has to admit that after the ruckus that occurred over the last few days with Mark it's good that they can laugh about something together.

She's never really been a nature girl, so she wouldn't of known that the clump she had used was poison oak. He still doesn't understand why she went to the toilet in the woods and not in the trailer.

On the drive home she's quiet and he doesn't push her for answers. He feels confused about Mark but he knows that she probably feels even more confused about the situation then he does.

When he pulls up at the trailer she's still quiet and when he asks how she's feeling he only gets a quiet "itchy" He feels that he needs to make it up to her for being distant since Mark arrived. Though unfortunately he can't do what he would usually do due to her ailment. Crossing over to the passenger side he opens her door for her and helps her out. She looks at him curiously, surprised by the gesture and steps out.

"How itchy?"

"Why?" she asks.

He takes her hand and leads her towards a woodland area.

"I want you to show me"

"Show you what?" she says, wondering what he's up to.

"Where you peed"

"What?" she stops mid pace and stares at him incredulously.

"I am going to show you the difference"

He stops also and moves over to her retaking her hand.

"So that you won't get stung again"

He leads her through the trees and she points out the bush. He fights the temptation to laugh as he pictures his wife by the bush. He kneels down and shows her the difference between the normal leaves and the poison oak leaves. When he's finished explaining he pulls her into his arms and kisses her deeply.

"I'm sorry for ignoring you this morning"

"I'm sorry that Mark showed up" she says ruefully.

"I don't want to think about him Addison" he says, turning away. "We're supposed to be moving on from him"

They walk back to the trailer in silence, both quieted by the subject of Mark. Truthfully he puts the blame on her for him showing up, she slept with him. Unfortunately he knows Mark better than anyone so he knows the real reason he showed up today. He came to win her back. To take her back to New York with him. He doesn't know what they said to each together in the lift, all he knows is that Mark is gone and Addison's still here. She's still here with him. Still trying to make it work.

He feels guilty about the thoughts he's had over Meredith when he wonders if Addison's forfeited a chance of happiness to stay with him. He tries to banish these thoughts and the ones about Meredith as they step into the trailer.

"I'm rubbing calamine lotion everywhere, and then going to bed" she announces.

He has a quick scotch and follows her into the bedroom. Taking the calamine lotion from her he tells her to lie down and relax.

He pays attention to her affected area with the lotion trying to make her feel better, then puts the lotion away and massages her shoulders, back and every part of her that's tense. She's so relaxed as he massages her that she falls asleep. As he finishes he crawls into bed beside and holds her close, listening to her rhythmic breathing and it's not long before he too, falls asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Revelation**

The way he looks up at her in the gallery today is exactly the same way today is exactly the same way he looked up at her before he chose her over Meredith. Like he was seeing her for the first time. She wishes that he would look at her like that all the time. But he doesn't. He used to.

On the way home to the trailer that evening he practices the words he wants to say to her over and over, trying to think of the right way to phrase the words he should of said to her when she first arrived.

"I was indifferent towards you"

Just saying the words to her hurts because it's the first time apart from Christmas that he's being really honest with her. It hurts him so much to tell her how he really feels because he's sure that she's not going to enjoy hearing what she's lived through for months. Her reaction is quiet but he can see a change in her eyes.

Its relief. Relief that he's finally admitted to her that the break up of their marriage may not be entirely her fault. He also has to admit how proud he is of her for being so adult about the whole situation with Meredith. She gave her juju. He knows that wouldn't of been easy for her to do but she did it for him. For them. He hates how she can forgive Meredith but he can't forgive Mark. However this is a step forward he thinks, admitting to her that he's just as much to blame for their marriage breaking down. He never physically cheated on her, but mentally he did. He cheated on her with his work. He never made enough for her, always preferring to spend his spare time with his patients, or his scalpel. He walks off after he says his words, leaving her to ruminate over the magnitude of what he has said. They're not lost on her as she finds her mind now unable to focus on the words of the page in front of her.

He returns, undresses and motions her to move over to the side of the bed. She studies him intently, article forgotten about. "Thank you" she says quietly.

"For what" he asks, stretching under the covers. She removes her glasses and looks at him, "For being honest, with me and about our relationship"

He sighs, reaching for her hand. "I just thought it was time you deserved to hear the truth. All this time I walk around acting like I'm the only victim in all of this when I know that's not really true" He begins to stroke her hand absent-mindedly and she doesn't interrupt him. "It wasn't all your fault Addie" He turns to face her and she holds his gaze, grateful for his honesty. "Derek" she begins, "We both made mistakes, back in New York, but we've come so far"

"Yes" he says.

"I forgive you" she says "for your behaviour in New York"

His response is to lean over to her and kiss her deeply. She doesn't expect him to say it back. She knows that he will probably never completely forgive her for her indiscretion with Mark but he's made a massive step with her today by admitting that he was also partly to blame for the break up of their marriage.

She kisses him back feverishly with passion, and their love making is hot and fast, like they're reminding each other of how much they need each other. Afterwards they lie together, panting and slightly sweaty from sex, and he tells her that he loves her. It's the first time he's said that since New York and part of her wants to cry when she says it back because she feels as if they've made it, together.


	9. Chapter 9

**Addison's Revelations**

 

She just knows that something's wrong. Derek, having been so great recently has reversed back into the Derek that he was in New York, distant but with something else in tow.

He is preoccupied.

In the vets, and then again in the elevator. He is preoccupied, and it's not with her, it's with Meredith.

She hates even having to think the words and saying them to Meredith is even worse.

"Are you sleeping with my husband?" she asks, bracing herself for the worst possible answer. The answer turns out to be something she really wasn't expecting to hear. It answers all her questions in the worst possible way. Meredith's dating Finn. That's the real reason why Derek's being so distant.

It hits her then.

Derek's jealous. He's not jealous of Mark like she thought he would be, he's jealous of Finn, because he gets to be with Meredith and he doesn't. Then the second realisation hits her and it's more painful then the first. Derek doesn't care about her in the way that he cares about Meredith.

She sits with these thoughts in her head all day before they come out as a completely random outburst.

"Because I'm not Meredith Gray"

It's the only way that she can describe the way that she's feeling. She's not Meredith and never will be. He doesn't even wait to speak to her after her outburst just walks away. Typical Derek behaviour, just to walk away when there's thing that need to be said. She's too emotional to even chase after him anymore. She's been doing that for the last few months and she can't do that anymore.

After her shift she runs into Richard who berates her for her behaviour. He sighs as he takes her hand.

"Addie I know this is hard for you"

"You have no idea" she replies.

Truth is she had no idea how hard it would be until now. A month ago she has happy with Derek and things seemed to be improving, they seemed to be working through their mistakes but now she doesn't know where they are. She says this to Richard and her voice cracks with the emotion of the day.

"Go home Addison" he says, "You need to talk to Derek." She doesn't though. Buoyed by the need to not see Derek she heads to Joe's for a solitary drink. The scotch burns but makes her feel a little better. She's on her third when her phone rings. It's Derek and she chooses to answer it, against her better judgement.

"Addie" a big sigh from Derek. "Are you coming home tonight?" Truth is she hadn't thought that far ahead. Stalling for time she asks him if he wants her home.

"Of course I do Addie, we need to talk"

The last thing she wants to do is talk about Meredith but she agrees having one more scotch for good measure.

When she reaches the trailer she sees the now familiar image of Derek sitting outside, lost in thought. As she walks up to him her stomach churns as she anticipates a row approaching. She nervously takes a seat beside him and waits for him to begin.

"I can't believe you think that I'm pretending to love you" he says, brows creasing in sadness. "It just came out Derek, I wasn't thinking clearly" she says. "Is that how you honestly feel though?" he asks. "It wasn't, until today, I thought we were really moving one, but at the vets, and then again at work it felt like you were preoccupied with Meredith" her voice trails off and he drops her gaze knowing that she's hit the nail on the head.

"I'm trying Addison"

"You're trying to love me, or you're trying to not love Meredith"

She knows she's got it right. The feeling hasn't passed yet. "You want me to carry on waiting don't you?" He exhales loudly, playing with the label on his bottle. "Yes" he admits quietly. "It hasn't quite passed yet" She finds herself with nothing else to say, as he feels like she exhausted all of her emotion for the day.

She leaves him outside with his thoughts, feeling more confused then ever about their relationship and her part in it. She'll carry on waiting, but she's not going to wait forever.


End file.
